Times Home Alone should make you say what the hell?

Home Alone has delighted a cult-following of fans since 1990. Mostly innocent 90’s kids flocked to theaters to see the little bastard beat the crap out of two unsuspecting burglars as good family fun.

When you stop and think about it, Kevin is a sadistic little monster. His family is not much better. And there is some other really messed up shit going on throughout the movie that defy reality. And then there is stuff that just makes you wonder, what the hell?

If you’re paying attention, here are all the times Home Alone should make you say what the hell.

The entire family treats Kevin like hot garbage

If you haven’t seen Home Alone in a while, you might remember Buzz mercilessly picked on Kevin. He calls him names and treats him like crap. And he ultimately started the fight that got Kevin confined to the attic where his family then forgot him.

In a room full of 13 other people, how did not one of them see Buzz being a dick? Not one came forward and pointed out Buzz was being a real prick.

And then rather than helping to deescalate the situation when all hell breaks loose, Uncle Frank stands up and says “Look what you did you little jerk!”

What kind of parents let another adult speak to their child that way?

Oh that’s right! The type that can literally forget to bring him to the freaking airport when they are travelling out of the country.

What kind of horrific parents don’t take 10 extra seconds to count their kids at the gate when they know the plane is not leaving without out them at that point?

Old man Marley acts like a serial killer most of the movie

Old Man Marley terrifies Kevin throughout Home Alone.

For example, when Kevin first encounters him, the old man is brandishing a snow shovel and glaring at him like he’s next on the list.

During the second encounter, he slaps a bloody hand on the counter, doesn’t say a word, and then just angerly stares Kevin down.

How the hell does Old Man Marley think Kevin is going to react? He then has the audacity to tell Kevin later in the movie, “You know anytime you see me, you can always say hello, you don’t have to be afraid.” Oh yeah, the person I would love to say hello to is the scowling old man who looks like he want to decapitate me with a snow shovel.

It wouldn’t have shocked me if he continued on to say, “There’s a lot of rumors going around about me, but none of its true. The salt doesn’t turn the bodies into mummies. I send them through a wood chipper and fertilize my garden with the remains.”

Certainly would have changed how the rest of Home Alone played.

The number of times the Wet Bandits could have died in Home Alone

As a kid growing up in the late 80s and early 90s, you probably laughed at the slap stick comedy in Home Alone. Kevin brutalized the Wet Bandits from when they first knocked on the door to when Old Man Marley finally swatted them with his murder weapon.

But you know what is not funny?

Blunt force trauma resulting in death.

By my count, and I’m no doctor here, Kevin could have killed them about 6 times in the original Home Alone. Here are all the points where he could have brutally or slowly killed them:

1. Butane torch to Harry’s head – While this may not have killed him instantly, the torch would have likely melted off some skin and caused severe third degree burns. He could die later due to infection or other complications.
2. Marv falling down the cement steps – Even if he survives, he would almost certainly sustain a broken limb or two. But a cracked skull or broken neck seems just as likely.
3. Harry landing flat on his back after slipping off the front steps – Same issue as with Marv, cracked skull, paralysis, or broken neck.
4. Iron to Marv’s face – I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure this would have shattered his face.
5. Marv falling backwards from the basement steps – Pretty sure a snapped neck or broken skull would be very likely.
6. Paint cans to the face – apparently this would have crushed their faces and possibly caused bleeding on the brain.

Even after all this abuse, they do not once lose consciousness.

Do you remember what does them in? That’s right. Murderous Old Man Marley yielding his snow shovel some how packs enough force to knock the Wet Bandits out. No wonder he was able to kill half the people on the block back in the 60s.

In fairness, maybe they had finally succumbed to their injuries. God knows the little psychopath certainly put them through enough abuse.

Kevin’s timing with the VCR in Home Alone is freakish, unnatural, somewhat evil

Kevin shows an uncanny and somewhat evil seeming mastery of his timing with his VCR throughout Home Alone. He can fast forward, rewind, pause, and start playing Angels with Filthy Souls with astonishing precision.

I’m not saying this makes him a future serial killer. But I’m not saying it doesn’t either.

Not one person had trouble sleeping the night before an international flight

Say what you will, the fact not one of the fifteen people sleeping in Kevin’s house the night before a long flight didn’t wake up in time baffles me.

Come on! They are leaving for Paris in the morning! Where the hell is the excitement? Or nervous fliers?

And that’s not even mentioning the natural body clocks kicking in. Eight o’clock is not obscenely early for children and parents used to getting up for school and work.

Sure, maybe they would have missed their preferred time to get up. But you’d think at least one person would have woken up and gotten everyone up in enough time to not rush out the door.

They had time to make coffee?

Building on the above point, how the hell did the McCallisters find time to make coffee? Keep in mind, they didn’t have Keurigs back in the early 90s. They would have had to brew a pot of coffee.

With an older coffee pot, this would have taken at least 5 to 10 minutes. And then what? Did they sit and drink a spot of coffee while they frantically rushed out the door? And then, are we to believe they were so frantic to leave, they forgot Kevin? Seems awfully suspicious, like maybe they “forgot” Kevin.

If you don’t remember what I’m referencing, let me remind you why I know they had time to make coffee. When Kate and Peter are on the plane, Kate gets a feeling she forgot something, you know, like her son. She asked Peter:

“Did I turn off the coffee?”

Peter then responds, “No, I did.”

Well you smug ass, you may have remembered that little detail, but you forgot your freaking son.

How the hell did Kevin clean up before his mom came home?

Kevin wrecked the house while sadistically attacking the Wet Bandits. And his mom got back home early the next morning.

In between gleefully bludgeoning the crooks at precisely 9 pm and the next morning, he managed to clean the entire house. In fact, he cleaned it so well that only Harry’s one gold tooth remained as evidence of his bat-shit crazy antics. Well, that and he didn’t bother cleaning Buzz’s room. Not that I can blame him there.

The pizza math is like toilet paper math, it doesn’t really make any sense

In the beginning of the movie, the hungry McCallisters clan ordered 10 pizzas. Ten pizzas. Think about that for a minute.

If they ordered 10 medium pizzas with 8 slices each, it would work out to be 80 slices total. Assuming they each ate an equal amount, that would work out to 5.3 slices a person.

But if they ordered 10 large pizzas with 10 slices each, it would work out to be a total of 100 slices. Again, assuming they each ate an equal amount, that would work out to about 6.6 slices per a person.

Either way you slice it, that’s a shit ton of pizza per person considering:

• the younger kids would probably eat about 1 to 2 slices
• the adults would probably eat between 2 to 3 slices

This one random pizza place says to start estimates for planning purposes at 2 slices for children and 3 for adults. In fairness, they also suggest taking into account appetite. Even so, it seems hard to believe that nearly every adult or older child would have enough room for an additional 2 to 3 pizza slices.

Even if Buzz and some of the other teen boys would kill a half to a full pizza by themselves, there would still be way more pizza than needed. And considering Kate is concerned about not having any milk left, her lack of concern over an abundance of pizza is a bit perplexing.

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If you like musing about the oddities in Home Alone, check out all the reasons why Home Alone would not work in today’s world here.

Where can I watch Home Alone?

Disney now owns all of Fox’s properties. Even though Home Alone features a psychotic little boy hell bent on brutally maiming two inept burglars, they some how feel it is just good family fun. Not that this should be too shocking. They are also the company that feels killing off a parent or loved one is needed for nearly every “family” movie they make.

You can watch Home Alone on Disney+. Or you can rent or buy a digital copy on services like Amazon or GooglePlay. And if you really want to go old school, you can usually find a DVD or Blu-ray copy at your local Walmart or Target.

Are they really remaking Home Alone?

From what I understand, yes, Disney+ is releasing a reboot of the original Home Alone. Though the decision seems like a bad idea, maybe they will fix many of the issues that make the original Home Alone impossible in today’s world.