Netflix’s We Can Be Heroes (2020), checks off most of the trademark characteristics of a Hallmark movie.
Crappy effects? Check. I’m not sure what barely passed basic CGI artists they dug up, but it looks like the director’s five year old drew the imagery. Sorry, that’s insulting to the five year old.
Features washed up has-beens and never quite famous actors? Check. Hello Christian Slater, Christopher McDonald, and Pedro Pascal.
Wait! Pedro Pascal? The guy is practically single-handily saving the Star Wars franchise in The Mandalorian. So what the hell is he doing in this shit show of a movie? Moving on…
Terrible acting? Check. They really just didn’t pull me into the story. Terrible. Simply delivery of action and dialogue.
Last but not least, a cringe-worthy, overly sappy plot and script? Check. The plot and script were just plain bad for either Hallmark or children movies.
So yeah, if Hallmark made a superhero movie for kids, this would likely be it. Sadly, even Hallmark movies are better than this travesty.
Here’s what you need or want to know about We Can Be Heroes before you need a hero to save you from this Hallmark movie-like shit show.
What is We Can We Be Heroes about?
Do you remember The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl? If you are older than about 25, you probably have never even heard of the crappy 2005 movie featuring a young, like so young it would be really creepy to ogle him, Taylor Lautner.
Well, We Can Be Heroes is some sort of odd sequel but not sequel to this kid super hero movie. In this latest installment of the “franchise” (used very loosely here), the children of super heroes around the world, including that of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, are called into action. Their mission: to save their “super” parents from aliens who easily captured the heroes in the first five minutes of the movie.
Why is We Can Be Heroes so bad?
So what is it that makes We Can Be Heroes so bad? Where to start… where to start…
Here’s a top 10 list of reasons this movie sucked as hard as it did:
10) It jumps right into the action. And the movie falls flat as a result.
9) They recruited Pedro Pascal and sullied his good name. He is The Mandalorian. This movie is not the way. Not in the least.
8) It flagrantly rips on the Avenger’s popularity going so far as to use a stylized H that looks a lot like the A in Avengers, a similar looking headquarters, and a team of super heroes coming together to save the world.
7) The. Dialogue. Is. So. Stilted. It. Physically. Hurts.
6) The plot is a loosely grouped set of events designed to push the movie’s morals about family, never giving up, and so on.
5) My wife literally fell asleep 10 minutes into the movie, leaving me to suffer alone with our daughter and her questionable movie tastes.
4) The whole premise of the “Take Over” made no sense whatsoever. It’s not like this is a franchise where kids have watched these heroes do shit. The majority are introduced only in this movie.
3) “Super” heroes that couldn’t fly to reach the aliens were flown in on some crappy ass drones.
2) All the powers the kids have are trite and the ones that aren’t common are pretty lame.
1) Kids seem to enjoy this movie, which means they will probably want to watch this crap again.
Why wasn’t Taylor Lautner in We Can Be Heroes?
Seriously, would you really want to put your name on this crap? I mean, I guess for some, the movie is as high as their career is going to go.
But come on! Lautner starred in the Twilight Saga, so… so… well, he didn’t want to go any lower, OK?
The real reason he’s not in the movie, according to an article in Newsweek, is that the director spoke to Lautner to tell him about the part. But the director didn’t want to tarnish his stardom for a role that did not have any dialogue.
I’m not sure what is more laughable. The idea that Lautner, who’s not exactly starred in anything notable since Twilight, would potentially find a non-speaking role beneath him. Or the idea that the reason he wouldn’t want any part of the crap filled movie was the role and not, you know, the rest of the garbage dump that managed to suck an hour and forty minutes of my life.
Why wasn’t Max in We Can Be Heroes?
Max was the kid from The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl who conjured up the heroes in the first place. He does not make an appearance in the film as Max. Apparently, though it borrows these two “heroes,” the movie is not an actual sequel. Its supposed to be the start of a new series of movies for Netflix.
Oh, for fuck sake. That means there will be more of these coming to Netflix.
Where can you watch We Can Be Heroes?
Netflix. This charming escape into a “super” hero, fantasy movie is on Netflix. And since they apparently want to make more titles in this universe, you’ll likely get to see more of these films come out in the next few years.
Though one positive, at least your kids will stop wanting to watch the original garbage… Maybe anyway.
We Can Be Heroes - Disgruntled Parent Review
We Can Be Heroes: A disgruntled review
Holy shit, this movie is a new level of terrible. I don’t think Robert Rodriguez could write or direct a crappier movie if he tried. I mean this shit is bad, even for a kid’s movie.
But what’s the worst part of this movie? The fact that your young kids will likely identify with the characters and want to watch this over and over again. Since finding this “gem” on Netflix a week ago or so, my daughter has watched this at least once a day during her TV time.
OK. Scratch that. There’s one thing worse then the film itself. Thanks to Netflix, she has also found and watched The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl by the same director. What sort of supervillain level jackass at Netflix thought it would be a good idea to show kids “other titles you may be interested in?” I mean, it’s incredibly genius for Netflix, but insidiously evil.
This is one of the those movies that I don’t even know where to start in describing its unique level of terribleness. So here is a list of random thoughts on this burning bag of dog crap:
- The “acting” was terrible. My expectations of a kid based super hero movie isn’t exactly high here. But in this movie, I’m surprised the actors even remembered their damn lines.
- The dialogue was cringeworthy at best. Guppy girl literally growls and says things like “shark frenzy” before showing super strength. The leader’s only power is bossing the super kids around with her often idiotic commands, like attack, make ninja stars, or, my favorite, “no, I have to do this.” Really? You do? Listen you little epitome of nepotism, you got your “leadership” job because your dad was the leader of the adults. You really don’t have to prove yourself because you already have the job. That’s how nepotism works.
- The plot made no sense unless you are about 10 or younger. In what crazy world would superheroes or any adult really, mostly in their 30s or so, retire to let their kids, who trained for, I don’t know, a half hour, take over as the guardians of earth? So what’s the moral here? Kids, you’re better than your parents, it is time to strip them of their jobs and take over as head of household? Granted, if that means I can finally take a nap or relax like a kid, then bring it on bitches.
- The action is like a lame turn based RPG where the villains waited patiently for the kids to get ready. Very few, if any, bad guys pressed their attack and pretty much just waited for the kids to hurt them.
- What the hell is up with the theme song? During the climatic scene, when the powerless leader “leads by example,” the singing heroes (what the actual hell am I writing here…) sing a duet of some slow hero song. It sounds like the type of music middle school kids dance to while maintaining a strict arm lengths distance. It did not belong at the climatic scene and really doesn’t belong anywhere.
- A lot of the powers of the super heroes are cringe worthy and shitty. They have a mother daughter pair that sing. A super speed father coupled with a so fast he’s slow (yeah, I don’t get it) kid. The leader of the adults (also known as Mando in a different Disney+ universe) has some unnamed power and a kid that is powerless except for her ability to give lame orders to others.
- Non-flying heroes are literally carried through the air by some sort of drone that some perverts use to spy on their neighbors.
Basically, if you think this movie is a good idea. It’s not. It’s not anything even close. Avoid it and save your sanity.
Maybe I’m being a bit harsh here. Or maybe I’m just a mean old man like the paperboy says.
But yeah, skip this if you can before you question every life decision you made that lead you to turn on We Can Be Heroes.
The plot is terrible.
Acting is particularly bad, even for a kids movie.
Dialogue is lame.
Heroes have stupid powers that are supposedly better if put all together.
Check out the Google Web Story here.