Frozen: Parent Review

Frozen | PG | 1 hour 42 minutes | Adventure, Comedy, Animation, Musical, Family | November 27, 2013

Almost exactly 6 years later, Frozen is getting its sequel. What better time for fans of Frozen to start gearing up their singing voices to belt out the next Adele Dazeem (Idina Menzel) song? And its time for a new generation of parents to wish they could burn their ear drums out of their heads as their young children scream the song at the top of their little lungs.

But first, let’s take a moment to thank John Travolta for 5 years of laughs with his butchering of Idina Menzel’s name. Well, OK, maybe it was funny for about one night at the Oscars and a few days subsequent. And I bring it up from time to time. But yeah, it’s been about 5 years since his blunder.

Anyway, Frozen marks the fourth Disney princess movie to come out in the second decade of 21st century. Because I can, I’m counting The Princess and the Frog which came out in 2009. And mainly because The Princess and the Frog marked the end of the decade of several sequels like Pocahontas, Mulan, Cinderella, and the Little Mermaid.

And in case you care, both Cinderella and the Little Mermaid both got a trilogy. Yup, two straight to DVD movies for each. Can we say cash grab?

So the second decade of the 21 century marked the start of original Disney princess movies starting up again. I mean, they’re not actually original, since all are based (loosely) on other tales. And maybe the streak is over with Frozen II almost here and Moana II is in the works.

But sometimes, sequels can be better than the original. Not always of course. Some crash and burn hard. Still, if they feel it can make it in the theater, it can’t be that bad. Right?

Frozen Synopsis

When socially isolated, emotionally abused, and mentally unstable Elsa is crowned queen, she accidentally sets off an eternal winter. Her naive, love starved sister teams up with a ice salesman with no business sense (they live in some Norwegian country, why the hell is he selling ice?), his goofy reindeer, and magical, walking, and talking snowman (no, not Frosty) to find a way to save their kingdom and her sister.

Frozen Worsts

Frozen introduced families to some of the worsts or near worsts in family movies. The two worsts categories: parents and douche bags.

Frozen – (Second) Worst Parents

Home Alone still holds the title for the worst parents in a children or family movies history. The McCallisters literally left their 8/9 year old son home alone when they went to Paris and lost him on their way to Florida the next year. But the parents, aka the king and queen, in Frozen are pretty damn close seconds.

When their daughter with amazing powers has an accident, they seek help from trolls that can help undo the damage. That’s good. The trolls give cryptic advice to them that though their is great beauty in her power, there is danger there and fear will be her enemy. That’s sort of good (more on the trolls later).

What was the parents’ takeaway? Let’s isolate Elsa and teach her to fear her powers. Conceal don’t feel. And make Anna think her sister doesn’t like her anymore.

Seriously? That’s what you idiots took away from this? The old troll literally says fear will be her enemy. And you people teach her to fear herself and her powers?

Nice one, dicks.

Frozen Worst: Douche Bag

Most Disney movies have villains. Some are down right evil, like the aptly named Evil Queen from Snow White or Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. And some are power hungry like Hades from Hercules, Scar from The Lion King, or Ursala from The Little Mermaid. And tons of other villains that have various, evil motives and desires.

Then there is Frozen.

Frozen doesn’t have a villain. Frozen has the biggest douche bag to ever grace the Disney movies with their depiction of Prince Hans of the Southern Isles.

What kind of douche bag convinces a vulnerable young lady that he loves her in order to gain access to the throne? He could at least have had the dignity to pretend to be a prince to her to get in her pants like Aladdin did…

But instead, his play is for the throne and he is just going to let her die. Low blow man. Low blow.

Frozen Fan Theory

So there’s a messed up theory about the trolls and Hans floating around the Internet. The theory goes something like this:

When Kristoff brings Anna back to meet his family so Grand Pabbie can remove the ice from her heart, they immediately assume that Kristoff has brought home a girl he was serious about. So of course, in true musical fashion, they sing a song about her hesitations about marrying their adopted (kidnapped?) son.

During the song, they find out she is engaged to another man. And when they huddle up, they talk about how they need to get the fiancee out of the way and the whole thing will be fixed.

Think about that part of the song. Now think about the timing. Up until this point in the movie, Hans has been nothing but caring, quirky, and a good leader for Arendelle. And then suddenly, after that song, he’s a power and throne hungry douche bag?

We know the trolls can manipulate people’s minds. Or at least Grand Pabbie can. What if he cast a spell to manipulate Hans’ mind and caused him to become a royal douche bag? If he did this, then a heartbroken Anna would likely turn to Kristoff for comfort.

Now, I’m not saying that was the intent of the Frozen writers, but it is an interesting fan theory. But given that Disney doesn’t give a crap about what fans theorize, it is not likely this plot will actually be explored if it was not their original intention.

It probably will turn out to be that Hans is, well, just a douche bag.