Spooky Buddies | G | 1h 28min | Family, Fantasy, Complete & Utter Crap | Parent Review
It’s fall. The weather is getting cool. Leaves are changing colors. Gaggles of white girls are flocking to the nearest Starbucks to drink a pumpkin spice latte as they tell their significant other about all the things they love about fall… And I’m inside watching Spooky Buddies to write a parent review.
First, let me say this: watching this dribble made me long for the days when that white girl salivating over her PSL and all things fall was my wife and the significant other nodding halfheartedly as the last vestiges of masculinity was sucked out was me.
Spooky Buddies pretty much just sucks your soul out through your anus as you endure 88 minutes of stale dialogue, a predictable plot, and some f*cked up stereotypes.
My legitimate worst nightmare is having to watch this again. I’d rather take my chances running into the creepy ass Wrinkles the Clown.
Seriously, I’d expect more from Spooky Buddies, the fifth installment of the straight-to-DVD spin-off series that are the direct sequels to the sixth movie of the Air Bud franchise. Yeah, do that math.
Meet the Spooky Buddies
To truly understand how terrible Spooky Buddies is, you need to meet the Air Buddies and learn some of their backstory. The Air Buddies are the puppies of Air Bud, a Golden Retriever who starred (I use the word “starred” loosely here) in a moderately successful sports movie about a dog that could play basketball. In later movies (before the Air Buddies became a thing), Air Bud showed his amazing ability to play nearly any sport because, if Disney knows anything, it’s how to milk a beaten dead, male horse dry.
So Air Bud, in his last installment, has some got busy with some bitch (technical term, look it up). And she produces a litter of some bizarre ass stereotypes complete with a token girl character. Guess you could say Air Bud scores one last time. Ah! #dadjoke
Budderball is a stereotypical washed up former high school line backer clinging to his dreams of making it to the NFL as he clings to a chicken wing in one hand and a beer in the other. He’s distinguished from his litter by black lines under his eyes which clearly indicate he’s athletic.
Jokes throughout the movies focus on his eating, weight, and side effects of being overweight… because, you know, only fat people fart.
Mudbud is maybe the only non-stereotyped Buddy. But he does talk in a “far out surfer dude” tone… you know the one… sort of makes him sound high most of the time and minimally intelligent.
I’d say Mudbud represents the dirty crap of the movies he stars in (“Stars” is very, very loosely applied here). He pretty much just rolls around in filth because, I can only assume, his films are dirty piles of steaming excrement and he needs to punish himself.
In that regard, he might be the deepest among the Buddies. Sh*t, he’s so deep, he very well might represent some sort of metaphor for the whole franchise.
The first truly offensive buddy, Buddha utters classic Buddhism-esque words like “namaste” and “zen” throughout each movie. He pretty much embodies Buddhism and East Asian stereotypes. And, of course, the other Buddies look to him for some bizarre ass spiritual guidance that’s equivalent to living ones life based on fortune cookie sayings.
Ah see what they did there? Rosebud like in Citizen Kane. Of course, all the kids get that reference. And parents like me think its some funny naming right there. So glad they included humor that I, as an adult, can get into…
Seriously though, Rosebud is the token girl in the Buddies franchise. As such, she needs to represent what all little girls do and like: fashion, beauty, and general shallowness.
Of course, I write this as my four year old daughter runs around the kitchen shouting she’s “eagle (evil)” and that she’s putting a hex on us. Other times she’s Captain Marvel and attempts to beat the crap out of me because, of course, I’m Thanos. Proud dad moment right there.
Anyway, if you’re hoping to teach girl power, self respect, and self worth to your daughter, you’d be better off letting your girl watch a Barbie movie over any of the Buddy movies. And shallow as she is, Rarity from My Little Pony demonstrates a well-rounded young lady compared to Rosebud.
As bad as Rosebud and Buddha are, they are nothing compared to the dictionary definition of cultural appropriation or racism that is B-Dawg.
I mean come on. The f*cking dog is named B-Dawg. The voice actor is some white dude. And the stereotyped Buddy speaks in some white-washed interpretation of gangster, hip-hop, and street talk. It’s pretty much the voice acting equivalent of slapping on black face. It’s just racist.
If the Buddies weren’t bad enough, they each live with the human embodiment of their stereotypes:
- Budderball lives with an overweight boy
- Mudbud lives with a mostly bland kid whose mother is OCD about cleaning
- Buddha lives with a white family posing as spiritual Buddhists
- Rosebud lives with a blonde, stereotype girl who’s as bad as her puppy
- B-Dawg lives with the whitest of white suburban wannabe gangstas
Spooky Buddies Parent Review Plot Summary-ish
Spooky Buddies takes place in the fictional small town of Fernfield. Fernfield is a magical town where animals talk to each other and embody human emotions, thoughts, and occupations. The main story is set at Halloween and centers around the haunted mansion of the evil Warwick the Warlock.
Sometime in the late 30s, Warwick the Warlock captured five puppies – from the same litter of course – to sacrifice them to the Howlloween Hound. Without them, he can’t open up some ghost portal.
In the meantime, the townsfolk try to capture Warwick the Warlock, who escapes capture by jumping into a mirror where he is trapped. But, if someone says “Howlloween Hound” three times into a mirror, the dog and warlock will return.
Fast forward to the present day and the buddies and their lil bitch owners are visiting Warwick the Warlock’s mansion. Some punk ass bitches scare the kids. Then B-Dawg cries like a lil bitch a lot. And eventually, B-Dawg utters “Howlloween Hound” three times into a mirror.
And – oh no – the beast and the warlock return to threaten the town again. In the process, they suck the souls out of some dogs, turn people into stone, zombies, rats, and such. It’s actually kinda dark for a kids movie in that regard.
So yeah, the Buddies spend the movie trying to figure out how to beat the Howlloween Hound and Warwick the Warlock. They employ the help a ghost dog, clairvoyant dog, the owner of the dead ghost dog, and Deputy Sniffer.
Not to spoil something I am sure you a looking foward to watching, but as it turns out, Budderball’s ass gas saves the day. And they live happily ever after or some sh*t like that.
Spooky Buddies Parent Review
Movie title: Spooky Buddies
Movie description: The offensively stereotyped Air Buddies are at it again in Spooky Buddies. The Buddies need to protect the town from the evil Howlloween Hound and Warwick the Warlock.
Date published: 2019-09-20
Director(s): Robert Vince
Actor(s): Diedrich Bader - Hound (voice), Ameko Eks Mass Carroll - Ghost Boy, Tim Conway - Deputy Sniffer (voice), Nico Ghisi - Budderball (voice), Skyler Gisondo - Billy / B-Dawg (voice), Genevieve Hannelius - Rosebud (voice) (as G. Hannelius), Frankie Jonas - Pip (voice), Ty Panitz - Mudbud (voice), Debra Jo Rupp - Zelda (voice), Ryan Stiles - Hoot (voice), Michael Teigen - Sheriff Dan, Frank C. Turner - Sheriff Jim, Harland Williams - Warwick, Charles Henry Wyson - Buddha (voice)
Genre: Family, Fantasy, Complete & Utter Crap
Any semblance of morals, learning, empowerment
Spooky Buddies is basically a steaming pile of dog excrement. The dogs personify offensive stereotypes. The owners embody their dogs’ personalities. Adults are all morons. And my 4 almost 5 year old is scared of “the purple guy” aka Warwick the Warlock.
Now I’ve let my daughter watch some weird sh*t, like nearly every MCU film. She’s seen Star Wars. And she responds fine to it all. Hell, Captain Marvel and either Spider-Man Homecoming or Far From Home are her favorites. The fact she won’t watch this sh•t again should tell you something.
Hell, it might tell you everything you need to know. It’s that terrible.
If you see this on Netflix or dollar bin at your local store, trust me, its not worth it. There is a reason they are getting rid of it at dirt cheap prices.
And I can tell you, as an adult who just endured watching Spooky Buddies, I’m pretty sure I saw Mickey in the background clutching bags of money cackling at the poor suckers who endured this garbage saying “I own all you bitches!”
One way or another, the Mouse always wins.
Is there nothing you don’t own Mickey? Oh that’s right, the rights to Spider-Man.
It’s short, less than an hour and a half of hell
I got to poke fun of basic bitches that buy PSLs every year while writing the review
Buddies are a bunch of stereotyped, obnoxious creatures that make you realize that just because a film features puppies does not mean it will be good
May be traumatizing to your kids or you, I understand the jump scares may frighten some sensitive people out there… and you probably will be traumatized if you simply sit through it
B-Dawg. ‘Nuff said.